Self-sabotage often comes from the inner critic we all have, which is normally formed from the negative judgment of others and society. The saboteur is trying to protect us from being shamed or rejected by others. It might have started off as a protector that we needed to survive threatening situations when we were younger, but as an adult, the saboteur tends to do more harm than good because the threats are no longer there. The saboteur part keeps reminding us of the things we've done wrong, catastrophizes about the future, avoid certain situations, ruins relationships and opportunities. It's not actively trying to make our life miserable; it's trying to keep us from being hurt in the ways we've been hurt before, but the very thing that once kept us safe is now the cause of our suffering. Sabotage is a signpost that there is something going on in our unconscious that is calling the shots. Rather than blaming ourselves, try to get curious about what is going on.
Other examples of self-sabotage:
- What’s happening: You say you want to be more open but swerve every emotional conversation.
- What might be happening underneath: Maybe you're very afraid of being vulnerable.
- What's happening: You say you're unhappy in your job but find reasons why you cannot leave or mess up your job opportunities.
- What might be happening underneath: Happiness or having the thing you want feels scary because it might get taken away. There is a safety in staying with something familiar, even if it's making you miserable and danger in leaving and trying something new and unknown.
- Rather than thinking of this behavior as something that's ruining things for us, maybe we can think of it as something that is trying to help us. It's just got a warped understanding of what help is.
Exercise:
- Think of feelings you don't tend to feel-Maybe you never get angry or haven't cried in years. What was the culture around that feeling in your family? Did your caregivers ever show their feelings?
- Now think of any feelings that you are not familiar with at all. Were they shown in the family? What response might you have got if you show that feeling? Were there any consequences ie. Would someone get upset or encourage you to feel more positively?
