Today is International Self-Compassion Day and I want to encourage each other to practice kindness, compassion and celebrate our common humanity together (including our flaws and all).
First, what exactly is self-compassion?
Self-compassion simply involves giving yourself the compassion you’d naturally show a friend when you’re struggling or feeling bad about yourself. It means being supportive when you are facing a life challenge or making a mistake. It requires that we stop to recognize our own suffering and tell ourselves “This is really difficult moment now,” “how can I comfort and care for myself in this moment?”
First, to experience compassion we must notice that your friend is struggling or feeling badly about themself. Second, if what you feel is compassion (rather than pity), you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience. Finally, you respond to your friend with warmth, understanding, and kindness – feeling the desire to help in some way. These are the three main elements of compassion: mindfulness, common humanity and kindness.
Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing ourselves for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means we are kind and understanding when confronted with our failings.
Having compassion for ourselves means that we honour and accept our humanness. Things will not always go the way we want them to. We will encounter frustrations, losses, we will make mistakes, bump up against our limitations, fall short of our ideals. This is the human condition, a reality shared by all of us.
One of the easiest ways to know how self-compassionate you are is to reflect on these questions:
How do you show up for a friend or loved one when they are struggling? What do you say? What kind of tone do you use?
How do you show up for yourself when you are the one struggling? What is your internal dialogue like? What’s your body posture like?
What are the differences between how you treat your friends and how you treat yourself in times of struggle?
Can Self-Compassion Be Taught?
Yes! It can be learned through practice.
Where should I Begin?
The ability to ask yourself what you need is the KEY to giving yourself self-compassion.
You can start with, is taking a moment and asking yourself “What do I need right now?”
How To Practice Self-Compassion
Practice: Supportive Touch
One of the easiest ways to practice self-compassion is through physical touch due to our mammalian caregiving system in which it feels natural to care for others we’re close to. Primary ways we evolved to interpret to give and receive compassion is through touch.
You can use touch to physically support yourself.
Find a type of touch that you can use that works for you. That feels comfortable, supportive and natural to you.
One way you might do is by putting your both hands over the center of your chest, your heart center.
•Notice how that feels. You may close your eyes (or not)
•You may drop into your body. Put just a right pressure on your heart center that feels like conveying “I’m here for you.”
•Notice how does that feel?
•You may switch the order of your hand. The one on top will be at the bottom and vice-versa.
•Keep looking for a touch that feels supportive and caring for you.
Another variation is to make a fist representing strength, power and courage with the fist over your heart and the other hand over it.
•How does that feel for you?
•You can also put your both hands on your face. You can try to cradle your own face like you cradle the face of a child or you can just put one hand on your face and lean into your hand.
•You can also put your hands just below your ribcage, holding your center as if like saying “I got you.” “I’m here for you.”
You can also try to give yourself a hug. Wrapping your hands around yourself.
•How does it feel for you? Does it feel supportive?
•You can also rock yourself back and forth.
•Another variation is cross your arms, folding your arms that feels supportive.
•Or even just hold your own hand.
Again, keep experimenting and find a touch that works for you.
Research shows that 20 seconds of self-compassionate touch a day especially if it is combines with a little supportive language can significantly increase your self-compassion level.
Practice: Self-Compassion Break
- Think of something that you are moderately distress right now (perhaps your health, relationship or a mistake you feel bad about)
- You may close your eyes when you do this practice. “Ask what is happening?” “What are you worried about?”
- First, we need to do is bring in some mindfulness. We want to become aware of the fact that you are distress, and it is hard. We don’t want to get lost in the mind, but we don’t want to ignore it either. We want to validate it and become aware of it that this is a difficult moment.
- See if you can acknowledge the pain with some balance.
- And then we want to bring in or remember our humanity.
- Perhaps part of you is saying “you shouldn’t be feeling this way”, “you must have not that mistake”, or “other people doesn’t have same problems”.
- Take a moment to remember “I’m not alone”. “This is part of the human experience”.
- What you are doing now actually connects you with other people. There is nothing abnormal or wrong with you for having this challenge. It’s part of life.
- Because it hurts, we want to ourselves some warmth and kindness.
- One way to do that is through physical touch. Whatever touch you may find supportive for you personally, find a moment to feel your hands on your body.
- Reminding yourself of your struggle and really holding yourself physically, being with yourself and your distress.
- Silently or out loud (if you like), try saying words of kindness, of understanding and support.
- What you’re going to say is going to depend on your situation.
- They may be word of acceptance “it’s okay to make mistakes”, “you’re doing the best you can”.
- Maybe some word of patience “just take it one day at a time”.
- Maybe some words of encouragement “maybe telling yourself that you’ll help yourself learn and grow from situation”.
- Maybe just some expression of support and care “sorry you’re feeling this”, “I care about you”.
- If you don’t know what to say, you may consider “what might you say to a good friend who’s experiencing very similar situation?”, “how would you say it?” and try saying something similar yourself.
